The Egg and the Elevator

“I don’t know. She fucking hates you.”

“Maybe this will help?”

Dave pressed the button. 

He clutched the brown bag closer to him and watched as the doors to the elevator closed shut. 

“Oh, fok no, I’m not going in there.”

In one hand, she stood holding the manhole cover, balanced delicately with one hand. She had her other hand on her hip, cocked to the side. 

“Why not?”

“Because they will think we are making fok.” She said it all so bluntly, he didn’t even have time to be offended. He turned back to the glass door: there was a pink, cartoon cat with the words Pink Pussy Cat Boutique. The curtains were pulled across the main front window with only a few, lacey lingerie items on display. They were mostly Christmas-themed aside from the array of gimp masks.

He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous - he was a fully grown adult who had had sex or at least started it with three women. Stephanie didn’t count, which was no fault of her own really, she just never put much focus on her education. Also, Dave threw up right after her top came off and that had killed the mood.

“Hey Dave!” Alice called out from behind him. He turned.

“Yeah?” Dave said, enthusiastically.

“Maybe don’t put on the mask, ya?” He looked down. The rubber tyrannosaurus face stared up at him. It seemed different: empty and lifeless without...him. Something about it made him feel safe especially when he was nervous.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding his head. Dave swallowed deeply and pushed through the door, his hand trembling all the while.



He watched as the numbers went up, his fingers playing with the mask. He had a few bad experiences in this very elevator and even more bad experiences with heights. Well, not so much heights as much as falling from them, or rather being thrown.

Something about the whole experience unsettled him. He tried to focus on counting the numbers, but the higher he climbed, the further he could be thrown. 

The bag dropped to the floor.

“Don’t put on the mask…don’t put on the mask…”

On the other side of the aisle, one of the patrons gave him a dirty look.  Dave whispered to himself as he crept through the aisles. He had never seen so many dicks before in his life. Large dicks, small dicks, some the size of his head, all made with a soft, rubber that felt like his own…

He jerked his hand away, realizing he was stroking a large, purple dildo. Dave looked around himself. The other customers, far too busy making sure their hoods were pulled low, didn't see.

The bell above the door jingled again and a man walked through. He had a ski mask on his face and a Beretta in his hand.

“Hey that guy has a mask!” Dave said, loudly. The other patron shook his head and moved away.

“Give me all the fucking money!” The robber fired a round to prove it was loaded. Dave and the rest of shoppers immediately ducked down. 

He could feel his hand quivering as he slipped it into his pants.

Sliding open, the elevator revealed the face of the mighty Tyrannosaurus. Powerful and in control once more, the terrible thunder lizard stepped free.

In his palm was a small device, shaped like an egg. He walked down the hallway, the ground barely able to support his 17 thousand pound weight.

Alice turned her head just as the gunshot went off.

“Fok, Dave?” She said. Her eyes glanced at the manhole cover, unsure of her next step. Did Dave finally lose it? She looked down the street, the pedestrians had all begun to move away from the store front, cellular phones in hand.


She couldn’t just leave him, could she? She clenched her fist. What if he was in danger? She nodded. 

“That was it,” she decided, “he's in danger.” Without another thought, she moved towards the door. The manhole cover began to roll away.

“Get the fuck off me you freak!” A man’s voice screamed. Alice paused, and just in time, as the door exploded outward. The man in a ski mask spilled backwards through it, the gun firing. Just after him, Dave rushed out. The bullet connected with his shoulder, but the dinosaur didn’t stop. Instead he plowed forward, an eighteen-inch purple dildo raised above his head.

“Dave?” Alice started. The robber tried to fire again, but was interrupted as the big, rubber member came crashing down onto his face, staggering him. He stumbled backwards, clutching at his cheek. He fired, shot going wide as Dave continued to pound him into the ground. 

He was still swinging when the NYPD arrived. 

“Freeze!” The officer said. He tucked himself into a nest between the car seat and door, yelling over the mirror. His gun was drawn. 

“Wait!” Alice cried out. 

Dave looked over, recognizing the voice. He saw the cops gun turning her direction. The second officer assumes the position on the other side of the vehicle, wielding a shotgun with a yellow tip.  He stomped his feet. 

“Step back ma’am!” The officer yelled, his service revolver now trained on Alice. Dave roared, rushing forward. The shotgun went off and Alice screamed.


Upon reaching the door, Dave stopped. He started to check the number, before remembering that dinosaurs couldn’t  read. 

The egg still clutched in hand, he knocked slowly.

Reporters were quick to the scene.

After recovering from the bean bag shot, Alice and the shopkeeper helped to explain the situation. Dave was taken downtown still, the cops less forgiving on his attempts to assault an officer, though they were vague in their notes with what.

"I don’t know, he kept putting his hand into his pants and mumbling about a mask. I thought he was some sort of pervert. Still do." The man said, the life sized, hentai blow-up doll tucked under his arm. 

The reporter nodded, turning to the next witness. identified by the pop up on the screen as "Jessica, Shop Keeper." Her hair was hastily pulled up and pinned back. She wore a yellow shirt with the same cat logo as the door. The woman smoked a cigarette as she spoke. 

"Yeah, I didn't really catch his name. He did say something about needing a doctor. I'll say, but thank goodness he was there this time." 

“Any words for the masked vigilare?” the reporter asked, a plastic smile locked on her face. She waved at the smoke.

"Yep," she spit from between the gap in her upper teeth, "We got that vibrating egg and the Annihilator you were looking at ready any time you want to stop back by! Thank you, Dildosaurus!"

"Alright!" the correspondent said, turning back to the camera. She tried her best not to laugh, as she brushed the hair from her mouth. "Thank you, Jessica. And thank you, Dildosaurus, whoever you are!!"


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